A Lockdown Diary Entry: 4 July 2020
I am a heavy dreamer. I get vivid dreams at night and that generally means I am having a nice sound sleep. A lot of my friends don’t get visions in their sleep but boy, I see a whole movie. I transcend into my dreams as if they are a reality and I wouldn’t be aware of my surroundings unless someone shakes me up. Yesterday was an unusual day for I didn't get any dreams or maybe I did, but I don’t remember? When I don’t remember a dream, there is usually a blank, dark space and stillness that engulfs me while I sleep, which is not bad because that also means I had a nice sleep. I have never been a person who got troubled sleep habits. Sure, there have been days when I was unable to sleep and had uneasiness, I woke up every hour and is just not able to sleep despite my brain not working. Anyway, the point is I had a good sleep yesterday — the one with the black space in front.
I feel nice today. It has been days since I felt good about myself, about life, about everything in general. The world is still acting shitty, but I feel good. I have decided to wake up at 5 every day and study. It feels productive and it is nice to wake up early and listen to the faint chirping of little birds, the water dripping from the leaky tap, someone out in the street passing by — the chaos in the silence. The whole world is asleep and somehow I, in the entire universe, am stealing some moments from the world, championing against all the people who are asleep, somehow I am defeating time. It is nice not to wake at 9 or 10 and then waste the entire day doing nothing. I swear I just end up doing nothing when I wake at 9 or later than that. Up until 12, I’d bathe and after that, I’d have lunch and then somehow I look up at the clock and it’s 4! What follows then is nothing uncommon but the guilt of having wasted yet another day.
I not only dream close eyed but also with open eyes — dreams about life and the future and how exciting it is. I am at a beach in Bombay looking at the ocean, I am in Bangalore doing fun stuff (spoiler: I don’t know what fun exactly is). There is a possibility that if I think no one is around me I will start smiling and jumping thinking about the possible life I have imagined for myself and, yes, I do imagine an awful lot! However, I am also very lazy, like a lot? A big-time procrastinator! I am sure it is my college that did this to me. Sigh.
Anyway, so where was I? Yes! I woke up early today and I am so elated because this is one of the few days after lockdown where I am able to complete my tasks and simply put, was productive. The concept of time and days is somehow lost in this lockdown. Every day is the same old. Every day goes by unproductive and colossal guilt of not doing anything burdens me but usually is also my motivation. This guilt of not doing anything and not working towards the life I want motivates me to work and move my ass out of the bed at 5 in the morning. But somehow, the routine I like, the habitual waking up at 6, bathing, going for college, that routine is disrupted and it is only me inside the home which has not only affected my studying habits but also my reading. I don’t like this coronavirus anymore. Urgh!
So these days when I wake up early and is able to set a routine makes me feel as if I am a step closer to my dreams and converting them into reality. I will try to make this a habit for the next few months without being lazy. I am coming IIM, I am coming! (hehehehehe)